Tuesday, September 27, 2005

In the Twilight of the Real (a continuing series)

Recently it has become harder and harder to separate truth from fiction, satire from mere description, reality from cartoon. Some exhibits:

Katrina releases killer spy dolphins with poison dart guns into the Gulf (true story)
    It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.

    Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns...
Background music: Submission.

Eating at McDonald's results in dramatic weight loss (a real advertising campaign).
    Ronald McDonald, the garish clown recognised worldwide as the icon of the fast food restaurant chain, has been taken off the menu in Japan.

    In new advertising, he has been replaced by a woman sporting a bikini and high heels, The Times reported. The rebranding exercise is part of a global effort by McDonald's to promote healthy living and to emphasise other products rather than burgers and chips...
The video clips linked here are hard to believe.

President Calls for Less Driving to Conserve Gas (actual headline)

    "Mr. Bush promised to dip further into the government's petroleum reserve, if necessary, and to continue relaxing environmental and transportation rules in an effort to get more gasoline flowing...Nor did Mr. Bush propose new policies to encourage conservation."
Translation: blah, blah, blah, blah, shshshshshop as usual ... and avoid panic buying.

And from Richard Dawkins, some satire which gets at the truth.

    Gerin oil (or Geriniol to give it its scientific name) is a powerful drug which acts directly on the central nervous system to produce a range of characteristic symptoms, often of an antisocial or self- damaging nature. If administered chronically in childhood, Gerin oil can permanently modify the brain to produce adult disorders, including dangerous delusions which have proved very hard to treat. The four doomed flights of 11th September were, in a very real sense, Gerin oil trips: all 19 of the hijackers were high on the drug at the time...

Hint--it's an anagram.

And FEMA Rehires Michael Brown as a Consultant (both parody and reality)
    CBS News is reporting that the former head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, Michael Brown, has been rehired by the agency to serve as a consultant to evaluate its response following Hurricane Katrina. On Sept. 12 Brown announced his resignation saying "it is important that I leave now to avoid further distraction from the ongoing mission of FEMA." The Department of Homeland Security has confirmed that Brown is still on the payroll but claims it is just because his resignation has not taken effect yet.
Finally a bit of pure satire from last Saturday's Onion calendar.
    Pope wins Host-Eating Contest

    Coney Island, NY--Pope Benedict XVI won Monday's 14th annual Host-Eating Contest, as the Vicar of Christ ate 392 sanctified wafers in 12 minutes, edging out his nearest competition, Japanese trencherman Takeru Kobayashi. "His Holiness put on an incredible display of eating, devouring the equivalent of seven and a half full bodies of Christ," said contest organizer and head judge Bishop Thomas Daily. "In the last few seconds, bits of chewed-up wafer started coming out of his nose, but we allowed it because none of it hit the ground." Said third-place finisher Eric "Badlands" Booker: "Hey, that's why he's the pope."

UPDATE 9/28: End Times?


At 9/27/2005 8:50 PM, Anonymous andy said...

How about Brownie "resigning" although he is still being paid by FEMA as a "consultant" ?!?

At 9/27/2005 10:16 PM, Blogger velid said...

There are so many examples, that's why it has to be a continuing post. You are right, that is too good to pass up though. It has been added.


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